Let me just start by saying that I think my children are wonderful.
But sometimes, I just want to hide from them for an indefinite amount of time. Does that make me a bad person?
If you, like me, love your kids but would also like to hide from them occasionally, this list could help you out. Introducing the top 10 ways to hide from your children!*
BEGINNER LEVEL
- Beneath The Window
Let’s start easy, people. Kids will often only look for you in their direct line of sight. Use this to your advantage, head outside, and set up camp immediately underneath one of your windows where you can still hear them. NOTE: Applies to one-story homes only.
- Underneath The Bean Bag
Bean bags are a natural gift to the hiders of this world. Set yourself up in a comfy pose, then cover yourself with the bean bag in the location it would usually be. For bonus points, throw some clothes or toys on top of the bean bag.
- Behind Their Door
Sometimes, the most obvious hiding place is the best one. Tuck yourself in behind their bedroom door, then strategically place some toys in the gap so you couldn’t ‘possibly’ be hiding there. Foolproof!
INTERMEDIATE LEVEL
- In The Car
Time to step it up a level. If you own a car, chances are that it’s outside your house or in the garage – both locations which require too much effort from the kids to look in. Which makes the car an ideal hiding place! Recline the seat, turn the radio on, bring some snacks – it’s better than a holiday.
- Use A Decoy
An oldie but a goodie. Tell the kids you’re going to the bathroom, turn the bathroom light on, close the door, and then set up camp somewhere else in the house. Enjoy the hilarity of listening to your kids constantly ask the bathroom questions like ‘How come dinosaurs and humans didn’t live together?”.
- The Treehouse
This hidey hole combines two great elements of a good hiding place – its outdoors, and it’s up high. Make sure you take a good book! NOTE – not as effective if you do not have a treehouse.
- Roof Space Get vertical! If you’re lucky enough to have an attic or roof space, get up there and be sure to pull the ladder up after yourself. Not recommended in summer however, unless you’re planning on doing some hot yoga while you’re up there.
EXPERT LEVEL
- In The Bookcase
This section is only for the professionals, whose kids have long since discovered all standard hiding places. To successfully hide in the bookcase, you must pull out an entire row of books, cram yourself into the shelf, and then carefully align every single book in front of you exactly at it was previously. Cons: Uncomfortable, time-consuming, not suitable for all body types. Pros: none.
- Amongst The Toys
This one will take precision, and a great deal of patience. Find the largest collection of toys in your household, and carefully rebuild it with yourself underneath the toy collection. The more colours and textures the better – the kids senses will be overwhelmed and they won’t notice your smiling face mocking them silently from the centre of the toy mountain. Pro tip: try not to laugh when they come into the room because you’re so proud of your hiding skills.
- The Parent Panic Room
When all else fails, you need to go to extreme measures. We are working on a prototype of the Parent Panic Room, a handy hideaway when the going gets tough.
Simply flick the switch and a panel in your headboard will slide down to reveal your very own Parent Panic Room. It is designed to keep you safe until they discover the snacks you left for them elsewhere in the house!
Above all else, don't ever try to hide in the kitchen. Kids are attracted like magnets to the kitchen, and they know the details of every cupboard and drawer far too clearly for you to ever succeed.
Happy hiding parents!
*Please note that we would never recommend intentionally leaving your children unattended. This blog is written for humour only.